With my first ever half marathon in less than 2 weeks it’s all starting to feel very real (and a bit scary) right about now! Training is really stepping up and I’ll be honest this last week has been a rollercoaster emotionally.
My original draft of this blog was to tell you all about my new Garmin watch and how brilliantly my training is going, complete with photo of my latest long run pb. Keeping accurate track of my mileage and pace has really helped me analyse and improve my runs and I’m so glad I got this watch. I deliberated over a number of watch varieties but seeing all the recommendations for the Forerunner 235 from other runners I was sold and it’s been perfect for what I wanted. Never thought I'd be getting excited over a sports watch but I feel like a real runner now!
However this week's long run wasn’t what I’d hoped for at all but it did turn out to be a perfectly timed reminder of what I am doing this for. I’ve been pretty lucky so far with my training. I’ve been using the VLM 2020 beginner plan, it’s a 16 week plan but I started early to ensure I had plenty of time to recover in case of any injuries and just to have less pressure on myself week-on-week. Slow and steady has definitely been my training mantra!
Deciding to do the marathon this year was not something i entered into lightly ... finally living with my seizures controlled, the last thing I wanted to do was jeopardise that. Juggling a full time job, commuting, as well as finding 8 hours a week of my free time for studying and trying to maintain any semblance of a social life means a pretty busy schedule as it is. Adding training and fundraising for the marathon into the mix I had to be realistic not just about whether I could put my body through the physical challenge but also the huge time commitment and pressure of balancing it all.
Everyone is different but for me stress and tiredness have always been my major triggers for seizures. I used to really struggle to negotiate the balance, I hate to tell people I can’t manage or that I’m struggling. I worry they’ll think I’m boring, lazy or just selfish for saying no to plans because one more busy evening or weekend might be too much and result in a seizure. I worry they’ll judge me for it, they’ll stop inviting me to things or not want me as a friend because my epilepsy is inconvenient and tedious for them. I find myself even now still apologising for my epilepsy, as though somehow being seriously ill was and is incredibly selfish on my part.
For people who have never lived with a condition like epilepsy it must be impossible to understand but what I have found is with the exception of a very small minority, most people don’t find my condition irritating or inconvenient, they don’t blame me for it. Actually when you tell people you’re struggling, that you’re seriously ill and that you need support they reach out with open arms. They are inherently kind and do their best to empathise and support you. I am fortunate to have the most amazing group of friends and family and the support I’ve had since starting this blog from friends I’d lost touch with right through to total strangers has proved this to me even more so.
When I first decided to do this I was terrified, would all this running leave me physically drained, would I start having seizures again, would this all be too much?! Now I can only speak for myself but in fact for me running has helped me to find the balance. It has helped me deal with all those anxieties and helped me to find a release for them. Its made me more conscious that’s it is actually ok to say no sometimes. It’s become my me time, the time in my day to focus on my well being and health.
Touch wood so far I’ve had no real injuries and each week has been a consistent improvement but today’s run, despite eating really well and feeling positive, I just completely burnt out and had to walk parts of the last few miles. I pushed myself too hard too early on, most likely feeling the pressure of the half marathon coming up I was too focused on getting a certain time and had become too worried about the the watch readings and not how my body was feeling on the run.
At first I was devastated, I’d not reached the 12 miles in the 2.25 hours I’d planned. I’d failed! In reality I hadn’t, I ran my longest distance to date today, I’d run my fastest ever mile, my pace overall was slower than my last two long runs and I’d walked more than I would have liked but not every run can be your best, it’s about seeing the positives and learning the lessons. I’d let myself get too focused on needing to get a certain time for my half, what people would think of my time, whether people would think I hadn’t tried hard enough.
But taking a moment and reflecting on why I started this journey made me realise this has never been about getting a sub 5 hour marathon time. Finishing the marathon is the personal best I am aiming for. It wasn’t that long ago just getting out of bed was a fantastic achievement. It’s easy to feel under pressure to meet perceived targets, to compare yourself to others, to exhaust yourself to do what you think others believe you should be doing but focusing on my own goal and realising when my body and brain need a break is how I’ve got to where I am today and that I can honestly say is the happiest I’ve ever been.
I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist, I strive to be in control of my life, control being the very thing epilepsy has taken from me but nothing in life can be perfect. I will never get the years of my life back that were put on hold by my seizures but I owe it to myself and all those who still face that battle every day to make the most of every opportunity in front of me. So from now on I’m going to track my runs but not let it consume my running.
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